Friday, February 6, 2015

Turmoil

For the past few weeks, I've been dealing with an immense deal of anxiety. I'm jittery. Something's off. Restless, oh so restless, and there's something I need to do, but I don't know what it is, no, no, there are so, so many things I need to do and they're just hanging there, wisps, and whenever I try to grab on to them to disappear, but I can still see glimmers from the corner of my eye. I'm drowning, and the water's soaking through, and it's filling my lungs and stomach and weighing me down and dripping from my ears and from the corner of my mouth. It's salty, like tears. I'm drowning in the middle of a desert. And I'm utterly exhausted. There's so much confusion. There's a hubbub of voices and thoughts and worries, beating down, pounding, every one louder than the other, shrill screaming, grabbing at the threadbare cloth of my attention. They tug, and it stretches.

I project everything. I deal with every single little nuance in my life by projecting. I know I talk a lot, and goodness knows I get annoyed at myself for talking so much. I'm confident that I can find two people out there, who, put together, would remember more about my life than I do. I share stuff - that's just who I am. I imagine this entire post would be better suited for a private journal entry or a therapeutic conversation session with a friend (and if you're reading this Tiffany, you are the beloved therapeutic friend), and yet here it is, a blog post, for the entire world to see.

"Oh, you just don't understand me"

A lot of people say that phrase. And just through that, I imagine, we understand each other. Brought together through mutual isolation.
As Terence McKenna put it:
“The cultural enterprise is an effort to turn ourselves inside out. We want to put the body into the imagination, and we want the imagination to replace the laws of physics.” 


That strikes a chord with me. We, as humans, are so limited in our communication. There's stuff - more than just thoughts or ideas - in my mind, and I want to convey those to someone else. How easy it would be to truly turn ourselves inside out. We try, don't we? Facial expressions. Body language. Language and words and an enormously extensive vocabulary. We touch (and for anyone who knows me, this is why I love, love, love hugging others), intimate fleeting physical connections, but again and again, we fail. We fail to transmit.

Here I am, feeling absolutely down in the gutters, and on my Youtube newsfeed, the following video pops up. This one is by far one of my favorite nerdfighter episodes. I have so much to say it probably deserves its own post, but it lifted my spirits, if only a smidgen.


"You get successes, but you don't get success


"And most fantastically of all, we make ourselves"