Saturday, March 12, 2016

Senior Year Reflection

At school over the past few weeks, a couple of friends of mine have received letters they wrote to their future selves back at the start of high school. It was interesting to read though them and compare the voice of the 9th grader versions of my friends to the people I know now, if only to marvel at how much everyone has changed. I don't blog a lot about personal things on here - in fact, I don't write personal things very much in general, don't do any kind of diary keeping, although at times I wish I did. I feel changes a lot in myself. I'm nowhere near the 9th grade version of myself, and while I've certainly deteriorated in some respects, I've changed in ways that only come with time. I wish I could see how.

Now that my senior year is coming to a close, I'd like to reflect and return to this in a few years to see how I've changed. And of course I'm publishing it. I would lose it otherwise.

So, to my future self. 
Smile you dumbass. Maybe you're still pretty awesome.

This year I feel like my work load completely loosened up, although in retrospect, it didn't. I loosened up. I had very little semblance of time management this year, and although I had so much more time than I did any year of high school (I dropped a job, blogged way less frequently, only competed in speech once, etc. yikes I am embarrassed) I was a million times less productive. I can't remember the last time I just had a super-focused work day. I haven't zoned out distractions in a long time. And, to be honest, I don't feel very much happier because of it. It wasn't a proper vacation because I was always procrastinating and half worrying about assignments, and by the end of the year, I feel midway between frazzled and defeated. There's a certain order and peace of mind that comes with a regimented lifestyle, which is why I love making schedules and planning out workdays. I planned a lot this year. I very rarely followed through. Part of it has been this conviction just get to senior year and you can relax just get to senior year just get to senior year and take a breathe and perhaps I didn't know quite how to deal.

It's my second year at the highschool I go to, and this is the third time in my life I go to a school for only two years before I move away. And every singe time, the second year by far surpasses the first. Yes, I am excited for my first year of college, but I;m a tad more excited for my second year. That's when you really develop friends. That's when you find people you can trust and people you can always count on to laugh with you and people you know will accept you and just the right people. I don't know. Maybe it just gets better the third year. And the fourth. I wouldn't know. But this year, I've met some amazing people. People who've inspired and amazed me, who made me laugh and brought up my spirits, who talked me through things and rolled their eyes at the nuances of my life. To my future self, I wonder who you're still touch with. There are two people I really really hope you're still super close with. But so things go. I do wonder who you're still in touch with. And if you've gotten far from even those two individuals, call them up. Call them up and ask to go on a day trip or spend a few days together in a city and watch plays and eat. Try, at least. That;s the kind of person I hope you are.

Here, I'll tell you a little thing that made you really happy the other day. In effort to protect the privacy of individuals, let's just go by initials and call her AJ. You were supposed to room together at Cal before you ditched (are you still the kind of person that ditches? absolutely disgusting. I hope you've changed.) We were on the bus, and so I had turned around in my seat and laid my legs on top of her lap, and we were contemplating how we could, in theory, be really good roommates. Except, of course, we weren't going to the same place. "If you go in psychiatry, you have to go through med school. Maybe we can live together in an apartment for grad. Here, here, I'll tell you what. You go to Stanford med and I'll go there for a phD." "No, you can't stay in California for grad too. No, we have to move." "Ok fine. You go to Harvard and I'll go to MIT. Or, we can both go to UPenn. Their med school and their phD programs are both great. Either one. Your choice." And, yes, it's way too far off to even talk about things like that. But it's the silly magical kind of talk that gives me hope. That says, right now we can both look that far ahead. And there's nothing more I can ask for because nobody knows the future.

And now I have to go study for a bio and physics final and memorize my Shakespeare lines. This entry was written, true to habit, at the height of procrastination. And to my future self, I hope you still have hope. And I hope you're still happy.*

*I wrote this around May of 2015 but it never got published